A moment of clarity

A good friend gave me a riding lesson on Saturday. We jumped some cross rails, which was a great time! Jordan is a great horse for me to learn on. I'm going to get spoiled, riding a horse that doesn't buck or throw his head up after the fence!
Anyway, after the lesson, said something to me that really hit home. "Rachael, I really think that you still have this vision of you as "Rachael With Cancer." That's finished now, you are strong and healthy and need to see yourself as such. It's time to start living your life."
She was right! I've had so many problems with fear lately, and it's largely due to the fact that I don't have any confidence in myself.
So, Saturday evening I made a promise to myself. No more excuses, no more reasons to fail, I've been giving up before I even try! I've told myself so many times that I can't ride well because they removed some stomach muscle for reconstruction and my core is weak. I also haven't pushed my body because I've been afraid that I can't do it. Even at the gym, I haven't been working hard enough. I also haven't been eating right. All of this because I think I'm going to fail, so what's the point?
This is going to be a very hard habit to break, but I can do it! Let's see how it goes...

April 8, 2010

Today, I'm thinking about fear. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
I am experiencing many fears today. I went to the barn with the intention of hopping Jordan over some fences. I was only able to jump two TINY jumps, before I became so afraid that I couldn't breathe. The horse was perfectly willing to jump and was happy to be working, but I was so paralyzed with fear that I had to stop for the day! I guess the next time we jump, it will be in a lesson with Jen or Sue!
Eric and I are building a new home, and I'm afraid about that. I'm afraid that we could have money problems, or that the old house won't sell.
Also, worst fear--I found a lump a week ago. It's very tiny and right where my mastectomy scar is. I don't want to face this fear. I am going to watch it and see if it stays the same. Eric says it feels like a scar, so I'm sticking with his diagnosis for now. If it changes at all, I'll make an appointment to see Wink.
So, how do I face these fears? What do I do? If I go to see Wink right away, I might be jumping the gun. Besides, I have my five year checkup in a few weeks, so I'll be seeing him soon enough.
I want to know how to face the fear and make it go away.
With the horses, I know that this will get better. I was afraid to even trot my horse 2 months ago, and now I'm ready to start jumping! It is getting better.
With the house, I'm ready to jump in with both feet! The house is going to be absolutely gorgeous, and I'm so ready to leave Covington!
So, I guess that my fears are good things. They will help me to stay safe, to keep an eye out on my health, and make things a little more exciting!
Do any of you guys have any fears? I feel sometimes like I'm the only person on earth that is afraid. How do you fight your fears?
I fight mine with repetition, talking openly, and sometimes, just sitting back and enjoying the ride!